Dear Motorist Who Hit Me With Her Car This Morning and then honked and sped off,
Please allow me a moment to apologize for running against traffic on a public sidewalk wearing neon day-glo bright colored clothing in broad daylight. I am truly sorry that I startled you into anger when I planted my hand on your hood to vault your car as you were driving forward while flooring your accelerator and (wisely) looking in a direction other than the direction your car was travelling in.
You see, as you approached the sidewalk in which I was running from across the parking lot, I erred in my judgement of your driving prowess. I made a mistake, and I take full responsibility for that error in judgement. I incorrectly assumed that, due to my bright clothing and the indisputable fact that we were travelling towards each other directly in one-another’s line-of-sight before you turned to the left and looked backwards into oncoming traffic, I thought you saw me as well as I saw you and that you would subsequently yield the right of way to a pedestrian travelling in the proper area.
I made the decision to continue on my way across the driveway after you slowed, because I thought you had seen me…I can only guess now that you were attending to much more important social obligations, like updating your Facebook status, or ‘liking’ your BFF’s last post or instagram about their awesome breakfast, and then you had to look down to place your phone in the center-console of the 2 tons of black Chevy Tahoe you were operating before looking left into on-coming traffic and pressing your accelerator to the floor without looking to check if the runner you had been driving towards was clear.
So, due in part to my error in judgement, I very suddenly found myself trapped in the confines of the moment of a life or death decision…
… I chose life…
In choosing life, I jumped into the air and planted my hand upon the hood of your fine example of automotive engineering as you unintentionally attempted to shorten the time I have left on this earth. In parkour, this movement is known as a speed vault, and it very likely saved my life, as well as allowing you to continue being the self-important and easily distracted blissfully ignorant motorist you have quite obviously aspired to become. , FYI, You have succeed in this endeavor.
I realize that it may have then scared you to then see me touch down on the pavement so off-balance that I needed to execute a shoulder-roll in the hopes of saving my handsome face from a needless bout of road-rash, which can be quite painful, especially during the healing process. The roll wasn’t for flair… it just kinda….happened.
I had a rather understandable rush of adrenaline at this point, so I do whole-heartedly apologize for the flurry of expletives that came coursing out of my mouth when I regained my usual vertical bipedal stance… Instead of asking you “What. THE. FUCK!!!!????” I feel I definitely should have been more concerned with your emotional state, as you quickly displayed how flustered you were by shaking your fist at me and honking your horn before spinning your tires and speeding off towards more adventure.
The following is not a hint of sarcasm. If not for the honking and fist shaking, I can even sympathize with the driving off part… I can imagine that the visage of me jumping over your hood, rolling on the sidewalk and then springing to my feet and yelling at you could be perceived as intimidating, possibly inspiring a fearful reaction. In this hindsight, I understand that you may have felt threatened and desired to put some distance between yourself and the barefoot maniac who appeared from thin air and jumped over your car’s hood. The fact that you shook your fist at me and shouted obscenities tells me this is not quite the situation though. That’s not so much a ‘fear reaction’ as it is one that displayed self-centered ignorance on your part.
By the way, I am fine, thanks for asking. I did a complete self inventory for a few minutes to allow the adrenaline rush to subside and correctly assess and treat any injuries our brief encounter may have incurred upon my person. Thankfully, there were none, so after a few moments I figured you weren’t going to come back, and that no one had seen this incident and contacted the police. I continued on my morning run, mentally high-fiving myself for saving my own life.
I truly bear you no ill will.
I sincerely hope that this close call will effectively inspire you to become a more alert and safe driver…
… or maybe it can help you make a correct choice in that overwhelming decision to put down your phone while driving…
…or in the very least, be more aware of your surroundings and not hit another running pedestrian …
Have a great day, and thank you very much for reminding me how precious mine can be.
To all my other friends, STAY MUDDY!